WHEREAS it is desired that all parties wish to define the legal and acceptable behavior in respect of all Ugly and Fat Chicks (hereinafter defined) wheresoever located, THIS ACT, hereinafter referred to as the Act, demands the following as the law of the land:

Definition: An Ugly and Fat Chick, also referred to as a Fat Chick or Ugly Chick interchangeably and all terms to infer the other, is defined as:

Any female who requires a male (the Dude) to consume a minimum of eight pints of lager (or such other beverage as may be deemed appropriate at the time and subject to the Court's discretion as to suitability in any subsequent investigation) and/or a shotgun to the head before snogging becomes feasible.

Any female who solicits van and truck drivers to shout "Boiler", whilst they simultaneously bang the side of the van/truck during a drive past. Any female who, when weighing herself on the Boots the Pharmacist scales (or other such public scales as may be reasonable) receives the response "No coach parties."

Any female who is deemed Ugly and Fat by the boys (the Arbitration Committee) particularly after having refused to shag any of the Arbitration Committee, alone or in any combination, after a request made in a pub, inn, bar, night club or any other establishment of ill repute, especially on or after an all dayer (the Leo Sayer).

Any female who comes to a Dude's mind when any or all of the jokes more properly detailed in Appendix I (the Jokes) are told. Any female who is nicknamed Big Bertha or Ten Ton Tessie by her colleagues and/or friends behind her back

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Section 1: Clothing

It shall be a crime for a Fat Chick to be seen out in public wearing anything more revealing than a barrel. The wearing of jeans without protective baggy jumper by Fat Chicks is punishable by execution. Fat Chicks are forbidden to wear skirts or leggings in public. Beachwear is limited to a large windbreak, to be placed in such a way that it conceals the Fat Chick.

Section 2: Relationships With Men

No Ugly or Fat Chick shall take advantage of a Dude's drunken state. Being drunk is a Dude's right. The offence carries a life sentence. On the male part, drunkenness is no excuse. Should he succumb to a Fat or Ugly Chick, he will spend the rest of his days being ridiculed by his mates. Should a snog take place, sexual intercourse may well follow. This is only acceptable in the eyes of the law if the Dude says: "Eeh, you're a big un!" and laughs at her before, during and after the act of copulation and tells her one or both of the Jokes. Under no circumstances shall a relationship beyond a quick shag develop. To do so will result in castration for the man and execution for the Ugly Chick.

Section 3: Force Majeure

Ugly Dudes may plead before the Court that they have to take what comes along. This is no excuse as prostitution is easily accessible. Though this is illegal, it is far less embarrassing to be caught kerb-crawling than it is to be seen in the company of a Fat or Ugly Chick.

Section 4: Miscellaneous Provisions

A Dude is well within the law to shout abuse at Ugly or Fat Chicks he may see in the street. Public houses, nightclubs and bars will introduce a Fat and Ugly section where these kind of women may socialise amongst one another, thereby avoiding them spoiling a good night out for Dudes.

Section 5: Relationships Between Fat and Ugly Chicks

If two Fat and Ugly Chicks desire to commence sexual relationships with each other they will be referred to as Muff Munchers, Juice Jugglers, Clam Slammers or Gusset Typists (or such other amusing Dude-developed terms as may be applicable and trendy at the time) in the usual custom and manner. This is perfectly acceptable as it leaves more fit and rampant totty for the Dudes to shag. The aforementioned dick vans must not, under any circumstances, be seen
to engage in any overt sexual behavior in public on pain of everyone else being sick.

Section 6: Comfort Eating and Related Issues

The Fat Chick will eat copious amounts of food, including, but not limited to, sandwiches, pizza, McDonalds, Mars Bars and other confectionery, chips, battered sausage, kebabs and crisps at the slightest encouragement. Examples of such situations include, but are definitely not limited to, death of a pet, someone talking to them in a funny way (whatever that means), hard day at the office, no friends to go out with, breakfast, mid morning snack, lunchtime, mid afternoon snack, dinner and supper. The Fat Chick will always say "It's my glands" when attempting to justify extreme obesity and unattractiveness to her colleagues and friends. The Fat Chick will bleat on and on about needing to go on a diet, hoping for a reassuring "Oh come on, you really don't need to" from a Dude whereas a Dude will always be thinking 'Too fucking right, love!'

The Act is to take effect immediately but as I'm sure you are aware has been common law for ages.

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